A Surprising Consequence of Divorce Part 1

There are many consequences of divorce. Many of them are negative and traumatic. Contrary to some, I do not think that every consequence of every divorce is negative. I understand fully that my views on divorce and remarriage are controversial. And I am comfortable with that. 

I have experienced a shocking and unexpected consequence from my divorce. When my ex-wife and I divorced it was life-changing. I experienced deep depression and many other negative responses. Nothing about it was fun. It was by far the worst experience of my life. 

However, there have been some good things come from my divorce. It changed how I view fellowship. More specifically, it changed how I view disfellowship. Because losing my marriage was the most painful relationship loss that I will ever experience, the threat of a preacher friend walking away from me holds much less power over me than it did in the past. For much of my ministry, I have lived in constant fear of pleasing the brethren. While walking in harmony with godly men is noble, walking contrary to one's faith and conscience to please men is not. 

The political pressures of Pentecost seem small to me after the loss of my family. The threat does not work. The fear of the consequences of Pentecostal politics does not paralyze me.  I hurt for friends who have not experienced the depth of loss that I have when I see them struggle with being who they are because of preachers and politics. I want so bad for them to know that the greatest relationships that they will ever have fall asleep under their roof every night. And the second greatest category of relationship they will ever have are the people that God has blessed them to pastor. 

I ask every pastor that reads this blog to reconsider your priorities. Put your family and the congregation you oversee first. Then allow God to put organic relationships in your life that fit the vision God has for your family—including your church family. Don't subject what God is doing locally to someone a thousand miles away (in many cases). There is no one that you only see a few times a year at a conference worth giving that much power in your life. The people that have that kind of sway in your life should be few and selected carefully. 

I do not, and will not, build my life around fellowships, movements or organizations. I build my life around the relationships that God places in my life to forward his agenda for me. And those people will be loyal to individuals and not institutions. I fear for good reason relationships that are dependent on human systems. I fear them because of how they have treated me and the people with whom I am the closest. 

I am fiercely loyal. I will admit that I may even be loyal to a fault. I may stick with people too long. But I am loyal and I value loyalty wherever I see it. 

As always, comment even if you disagree. 

Redemption During and After Divorce

In my last post I wrote about what I hate about divorce. In this post I want to write more redemptively. While Christians should always try to avoid divorce, there are redemptive things that can result from it. I am not suggesting that the things I am about the reference cannot be accomplished in marriage. But sadly they too often are not. So, if you are divorced, it is not the end of the world. Your life is not over. The following are some positive things that can result from divorce:

• One can recover their true identity in Christ. Too often married people have unhealthy identity issues with their spouses. 
• One learns to trust God solely. 
• No relationship loss after divorce will every be more painful or life-altering. 
• Many times God will restore one's life with a marriage that is God-honoring and fulfilling. 

No doubt there are many other results that could be noted. But these will suffice for the present purpose. If you know someone who is divorced, or is going through a divorce, please share this with them. It may be the grace and hope that they need. 

I Hate Divorce Too

It is no secret that I have gone through a divorce. In conversations on this topic, people often say to me, "God hates divorce." The aforementioned phrase is a quote—more or less—of Malachi 2.16. Often it feels as if people use this phrase to insinuate that those who allow for divorce and remarriage in certain cases do not hate divorce. The reality is that nothing could be further from the truth. 

I was reminded of above truth again this evening as I talked about divorce with a friend whose parents are divorced. Divorce doesn't just hurt the spouses; it hurts the children too. My friend and I both agreed that we hate divorce. He recounted his story about his parents in a way that saddened me deeply. Our conversation reminded me once again of the tragic consequences of a fallen world. 

I sat recently at a conference table filled with preachers. The topic of divorce came up and at least one preacher referenced Malachi 2.16. My response was that as the only divorced preacher at the table that I hate divorce more than all of them combined. The point of this post is simply to say that no one hates divorce more than those who have experienced it. I insist that it is impossible for a person who is still happily married to their first spouse to hate divorce more than me. Or any normal person who has survived divorce. 

I know no one who is pro-divorce. I know no one who went into a marriage hoping that it would fail. Certainly, no true Christian would. What do I hate about divorce?:

• I hate the human brokenness that produces it. 
• I hate the pain of separation that results from it for all parties involved. 
• I hate the isolation, suspicion and calloused judgment that sometimes comes from fellow Christians. 
• I hate the loneliness that follows it. 

In a subsequent post, I am going to write about the redemption that is possible after divorce. 

First World Fellowship

For many preachers, fellowships can be frustrating. The frustrations of fellowships are not limited to organizations. A person is certainly not free from the frustrations as an independent preacher. It can be discouraging to watch the politics involved between local churches and between national churches. Perhaps the most notable thing about it all is the pettiness. When two men's teachings have 90% or more in common, and they still manage to find some small thing to use as an excuse to disfellowship each other. 

A friend of mine pointed out that this may be a first world fellowship problem. I wonder how many of our issues would matter if we lived constantly under the threat of persecution or death? I would dare say that a persecuted church would be a more united church. I pray that God will raise of voices of unity in the body of Christ. 

Preaching conferences, broad acceptance in the brotherhood, and many other issues inform the choices we make about fellowship between churches and ministers. Sadly, we allow suspicion and the level of a person's political toxicity to determine whom we fellowship. 

I pray that the American Apostolic movement will begin to love each other like a persecuted church before we actually become one.  As Oneness Pentecostals, we should be pursuing oneness with our brothers and sisters of the name. I realize fully that there are lines we should not cross, but I must insist with this little blog that we can do better.